The Relationship Group: The Beginning of the End of Codependence: The Private Self Re-emerges *

11:45 AM to 1:00 PM

Codependence is the result of repeated developmental transgressions on the child's emerging sense of self, what the psychoanalytic theorist D.W. Winnicott aptly termed impingement . When the child's natural exploratory state, eagerness, and excitement at discovering the world is interrupted by the environment, i.e., usually a stern or zealous caregiver, the child is forced to transition from the private/personal to the political. That is, the child must take care of what the caregiver needs or wants before the child can return to its wondrous activity of exploration and discovery. Over time, with ongoing impingements, a political self is created at the expense of a private self -- and the child s now wired to be codependent.   In the next meeting of the Relationship Group on Saturday, January 5, 2019 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM) , I will characterize "recovery" from codependence as a process in which the codependent attempts to reclaim private experience at the expense of political experience. This is a psychological journey of retracing and redirecting one's emotional and psychological energy toward the private. But for many of us, perhaps most notably those of us who are organized codependently, the private self is not easily accessible precisely because for so long, and by so many, the private and the political were deemed mutually exclusive, i.e., you needed to give up one to have the other. It follows, then, that any effort to free oneself from codependent patterns must begin with a new-found competence for isolating, tolerating, and utilizing the private self at the expense of the political.

Although it is the time for New Year's resolutions, it may not be all that surprising to learn that we are actually primed not to change ! One explanation for this lies in the debate among psychological scholars as to whether the mind is organized horizontally or vertically. Freud divided the human mind horizontally, i.e., the unconscious was separated from the conscious by a horizontal line of psychic defense. This "topographic model" suggested that what the mind cannot directly utilize or tolerate it diverts into the unconscious through suppression, repression, and numerous other defenses. From this perspective, the unconscious is a bit like the hard drive of a computer, consistently tabulating the burden of experience, coding the emotional pain and disorganized components of meaning that cannot otherwise be easily categorized or digested. More contemporary theorists, however, have proposed a corollary mechanism of the mind that arranges experience side-by-side (vertically) rather than top-down (horizontally). At its most extreme, pathological state, vertical splitting is responsible for dissociative phenomena -- what essentially causes multiple personality disorder (or, according to contemporary diagnostic nomenclatures, dissociative identity disorder). At a less extreme, more benign state -- what most of us experience daily, vertical splitting allows us to feel and behave in one context or set of conditions in a way that may be considerably different from how we feel or behave in a different context or set of conditions. Vertical splitting is necessary for optimal functioning in the world, but too much or too little vertical splitting results in problems and difficulties. In the next meeting of the Men's Group on Saturday, January 5, 2019 (10:15 to 11:30 AM) , we will explore vertical splitting in more detail, both the ways it can help us (for example, we need to be "different" at home vs. at work) and the ways it can hurt us (if our splits are too extreme, we lose the motivation to change or grow because we simply just keep adapting to the demands of any situation). We will also consider how vertical splitting is linked to "inverted narcissism," a dysfunctional personality style that I argued in a recent meeting was rising in prevalence, especially among men.

This therapy group utilizes the emerging dynamics among group members, and between the group members and facilitator, as a basis from which to examine one's characteristic ways of thinking, feeling, and relating to others.  Our next group session will be on Saturday, January 5, 2019 (1:15 to 2:30 PM) at the Laguna Hills office location.