Clare Cardo McKegney, DNP, APN,CPNP
In our own communities, our children have been faced with many challenging topics including the "birds and the bees", tragedy, divorce and even death of a peer, loved one or family member. Coping with these serious topics can be very difficult for your child.
Spontaneous questions can catch parents off-guard and often scrambling for answers. Given the right tools, we can better understand the thoughts and processing skills children have at every age to help prepare us when the topics arise.
Loss of a child
Loss of child from sudden causes or a chronic illness is very hard to understand. As adults, our instinct is to protect our own children from the news of a child's death by avoiding news channels discussing the event or diverting the topic completely in front of our young children. However, that is not as easy to do when a tragedy hits our community of friends and schools.
When a child learns of a death of their peer, they respond based on their age and stage of development. Children may express their concern and grief differently than adults. They may appear sad, demonstrate fear or show confusion. These emotions can be expressed by a child in several ways:
- Acting out
- Explosive responses
- Disorganization
- Panic
- Indifference about the news
Understanding the processing skills at every age is beneficial in helping your child obtain coping skills.
2-6 Years Old - It is important for us to speak to our children with "real words". Making comments like "passed away" or "gone to sleep" can be confusing. The child may expect the person will come back or wake up. It is important to note that children in this age group are full of wonder and magical thinking - even when we use the word "died", they may still inquire about the person from time to time. Be patient and understanding and respond to them with concrete answers.
6-10 Years Old - This age group has a more concrete way of thinking. They may have exaggerated discussions about morbid things and ask questions regarding ghosts and skeletons. They begin to develop an understanding that if people die - they can die too. This is the age group that grapples with the fear and anxiety about death as it relates to them personally and their loved ones. They will ask real questions and look to you to provide real answers. Try to ease their fears and teach them to live in the present.
10+ Years Old - In this age range, children sometimes want to be protective of the adults around them and may not ask all of the questions on their mind. It's also important to them to be
comfortable when they talk about death and dying. As parents, you have to be prepared for the discussion when they are ready and be open to it at any time and any place.
For adults, conceptualizing the death of a child is very difficult and hard to process. You may need guidance and support if you are also grieving in order to manage yours and your child's feelings.
The physicians and nurse practitioners at The Pediatric Center are well versed in these topics and here to support you and provide resources. Please reach out to us with any concerns or questions.
Books that approach the concept of death:
The Memory Book: A book About Grieg - Joanna Rowland
Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope - Janis L. Silverman
Water bugs and dragonflies -Doris Stickney
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children - Brian Mellonie
Most are available on Amazon.
