Parshat Toldot: Fruitful Fragrance

A woman who is expecting a child should pray that the child be a chacham lev , wise of heart. What does this mean? People associate the heart with emotion however it says " Halev meiven ," the heart understands. Let the child have an understanding heart. A wise man sees the future. Let him see the likely outcome of his choices. A wise man has the ability to learn from every person. Let his mind be open to learn from others. A woman should pray that her child be successful in Torah and mitzvot . Parents sometimes push their children into elitist schools on the basis of their reputation. We all live through our children to some degree. But forcing children into situations where they are bound to lose is in effect squelching their desire to learn. One should pray that Hashem give them the right conditions to succeed in ruchniyut and that they find pleasure in Torah and mitzvot.

In addition to praying, Rabbeinu Yonah writes that the expectant woman should continually open her hand to the poor. That means keeping small coins in your pocket with you at all times so you don't have to say no or stop to think whether the person asking for charity deserves to receive or not. Give in a way that you don't have to ask questions so that Hashem will in return give you without making an accounting.

In Bereishit the verse says, " B'etzev teldi banim . With sadness, you will bear children." This includes more than actually bearing a child. Rav Hirsh translates etzev as anxiety. It's the psychological and emotional feeling we feel when we have to give up on something. We want to do one thing but we can't because we're doing something else. Part of expecting a child, and certainly after birth, is having to say no to a lot of things that one was used to doing. The sudden realization that one's choices aren't really ours anymore is hard. And in today's world this is probably one of the main reasons people are choosing to have fewer children. Having an orderly house, lots of energy, and a size two figure, all become a thing of the past as more children are born. And when this happens there's emotional pain. A woman's entire life is trading off a lot of her own pleasures and desires for the sake of others and a huge problem in our society is that this is viewed negatively.

Let's look at two respected professions, law and medicine. A lawyer at a good firm works 70 hours a week. Certainly, he's giving something up. He's giving up leisure, family life, and a lot of freedom of movement. But people do it not only for the material reward but because it's prestigious and exciting. The same holds true for medicine. Nobody says that the pleasure of surgery is getting your hands red with blood. It's the money you earn and the satisfaction of healing a patient and the honor you get for being a skilled surgeon. Any kind of rewarding job has a lot more allure than babysitting kids and for this reason more and more people feel martyred when they have to take care of their kids.

Women today aren't trained to find pleasure and excitement in raising children. A mom needs to learn to do that, because when she does, the vitur , the giving up of the other options, is worth it. Another way to translate vitur is self-transcendence, the opposite of self-awareness and selfishness. We all start off with very small selves. As we grow spiritually we become aware of others. This is what being a tzadik is about. And this is what being a wife and mother is about. Hashem imbues us with the gift of inherent love for our children. May we find joy and contentment and true passion in raising them to be loyal servants of Hashem.