If you've ever been in a situation with a friend where one person wants "more" and the other doesn't, you know it can get pretty awkward. Let's face it - rejection is never fun. But neither is being the person on the other end, trying to hold onto a normal friendship with someone who won't take a hint or let it go.

 

Most young people are familiar with the idea of the "friend zone", a trope that describes the frustration of being considered "just a friend" by someone you want to date. A lot of people can relate to the difficulty of having feelings for someone who just isn't interested back. And of course, it's normal to feel disappointed when your crush is unrequited.

But the idea of the "friend zone" brings up some problematic assumptions about rejection. A lot of this has to do with the tone of how it's talked about - when someone says they've been "friend zoned", they're often expressing not just sadness or disappointment, but also resentment and even anger. Being mad at someone for not liking you back has a lot to do with feeling entitled, like you "deserved" attention or a relationship from that person and they're doing something wrong or hurtful by not wanting the same thing.

 

The friend zone is also often a gendered phenomenon - in a stereotypical friend zone situation, a guy is frustrated that his friend who's a girl doesn't like him back. This is similar to times when girls who turn guys down are considered mean and called derogatory names. While this can of course happen in the reverse, with girls mad at guys who reject them, and in non-heterosexual situations, there is a theme in our culture of men taking it personally when women don't welcome their advances. In part, this comes from the fact that guys' social standing is often judged by how good they are at "getting girls". Of course, this isn't fair to girls and women, who can feel like pawns in guys' attempts to prove to other men that they've got game. But it also isn't fair to guys, who could spend a lot of time taking personally rejections that might not have anything to do with them.

 

There's so many reasons why someone might not be into you - it could be timing, lack of compatibility, being interested in someone else or in an exclusive relationship, not attracted to people of your gender, not interested in dating or romance in general - the list goes on and on. Attraction is often not logical or easily explained, and it's important to remember that the other person's lack of interest doesn't reflect on your worth or attractiveness as a person. Learning not to take rejection personally is a valuable skill - there will always be someone who doesn't want to date you, and you shouldn't have to feel bad about yourself because of it. In addition, when we can respond to a "not interested" gracefully, we'll be treating the people we like with the respect they deserve. Instead of complaining about being "friend zoned", why not appreciate that the other person wants to be your friend in the first place? Dealing with crushes and rejection is messy enough without making it harder for each other to advocate for what we do and don't want. Adults can help teens and tweens navigate this process by creating safe space to talk openly about the good, the bad, and the awkward of dating - and to emphasize the importance of respect while figuring it all out. When we remember that our worth doesn't depend on what others think of us, it's a lot easier to bring our best selves to the table, and to take the pressure off our friends and crushes while they make their own calls about what's best for them - which, in the end, is what we all want and deserve.

 

Comments or questions? Feel free to contact  Nola, Prevention Project Coordinator at Hope House, at preventcoord@hopehousescw.org or 608-356-9123.