How well do you really listen to other people? How well do others listen to you? What difference does it make?
If you're like me, and most people I know, you probably wish others would listen to you more often or better than they do. Fortunately, many of us have one or two people who are good listeners for us. However, sometimes, the people we most want to listen to us aren't readily available. Other times, if we do get a chance to try to say something important, the person we're talking to interrupts, changes the subject, looks bored, or just doesn't understand what we're trying to say. It can be frustrating and maddening at times. In the end, it's disappointing and sad. And it can also feel pretty lonely.
Now turn that around. How well do you listen to others? Would others say that you are someone they can talk to? Do they feel heard? Do they leave conversations with you feeling understood, cared for, and encouraged?
You need someone to listen to you, and God has put into your life those who need you to listen to them. Talking to and listening to one another is how we process our thoughts and feelings, find support, and feel like we belong in the world. Humans are social creatures. Listening is one of the key ways we connect to one another.
Now, I realize, not everyone is a natural at listening. But I'm not talking about rising to the level of a counselor or parent. I'm talking about simply creating enough space for others in a conversation so that they have a chance to say what is on their mind and heart, too. One of the best ways to do this is to ask thoughtful questions. When someone shares something, stick with the subject until they want to move on. Ask follow up questions. Reflect back to them verbally that you can understand their perspective (that's cognitive) and their feelings (that's emotional).
In other words, listening well is a skill, which anyone can learn. But for most of us, it's hard work. Sometimes, we just feel tongue tied or awkward. Yet, often in my observation, the problem is not lack of knowledge about listening but lack of discipline to do it! We are too eager to say what's on our mind, or worse, we don't really care that much about what someone else wants to say to us. Let's face it. Too often, we're too impatient, bored, self-centered, or pre-occupied to listen well. That's human nature. But that shouldn't stop us from trying to do better.
Jesus said, "Do to others as you want them to do to you" (Luke 6:31). This teaching has many points of application, but certainly listening well to others is one of them. There would be a whole lot more satisfaction in relationships, more connection among church members, and more effective outreach in the community, if more of us would work harder on becoming good listeners. It starts by caring, and develops through skills, discipline, and practice.
Then, as we learn how to become better listeners in our relationships, families, churches, and communities, maybe we can learn how to be better listeners to those we perceive to be "others." Just think of it. In the midst of so much political and social strife, Republicans and Democrats truly listening to one another. Christians and Muslims and Buddhists sitting down together. Conservatives and liberals trying to understand each other.
The need is as great as ever. From the lonely person on Sunday morning or at the office who needs a listening ear, to frustrated family members, alienated neighbors, wary acquaintances from other races, hurt church members, angry political opponents, frightened or frightening immigrants, and just about anyone we rub shoulders with more than a few seconds at a time.
Honestly, nothing is going to change until we learn how to listen better to one another.