In honor of Mother's Day:

The Mother's Manual

When I was growing up, my mother would often quote from "The Mother's Manual" when there was a rule or a guideline that needed to be followed.

"No, no, page 75 of The Mother's Manual clearly states that you cannot have two helpings of dessert unless it's your birthday."

"Page 13 of The Mother's Manual states that you must make your bed every morning."

"Page 27 declares that a mother always has the right to say 'maybe' instead of 'yes' or 'no'."

Truth is, there was no Mother's Manual. No rich, leather-bound potion keeper with frayed pages from constant referencing. But, maybe it was the way she said it, or my age, that it always felt like her words were backed by some magical force that prevented me from disputing them (most of the time). My mother made parenting look at feel easy. Like she was always in control.

Little did I know what it felt like to be without the hard and fast rules of "the manual" for such immensities: How to repair a wounded relationship with a parent. What to do when your child has a disability, intense fear or attachment. How many hugs a child needs. When to know you've done enough to prepare them for the world. And many, many more things she faced as a mother of 3.

As a mother myself now, I realize how much of parenting is holding on for dear life, figuring out the next set of rules as you go, and crying at night wondering if you're doing a good job. It's also one of the most spiritually intense times of our lives because we ask ourselves questions about our own existence, experience unconditional love, and know what it truly feels like to surrender.

In 2013, after falling into a deep pocket of inner darkness, I didn't talk to my mother for at least 2 months. I felt afraid, guilty, alone, and so detached from what I had known as real. I knew it must have broken her heart to have a child hurting and a space growing between us; I just didn't have words to open up. Finally, I reached back out to her. Sam had been pushing me to my limits, and I needed to vent. "Parenting is hard.", I admitted to my mom. "Yes, it is," she tenderly replied. "Even when your baby is 32."

So, to all the mothers out there--biological or honorary, trust that there IS magic supporting you. If there wasn't, I don't think we would have made it this far. Take a deep breath and release the judgement. You have done the best you can without a manual--just your beautiful, expanding heart. And to my mom, thank you.