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PCA Featured in 'Ask Amy' Column

Dear Amy: My husband is a very competitive guy.

He is usually a dedicated, loving and fun father, but when we go to our son’s Little League games, another side comes out.

My husband is the loud one on the sidelines — pacing, swearing and turning red; he micromanages our son, and shouts belittling comments at him and other kids on our team.

He argues with the umpires and complains about the coaches.

It is embarrassing and hurtful for our son, and I don’t envy the coach.

My husband has coached a few of my son’s teams, as well, and he has been ejected from games during those seasons.

I’ve tried asking him to be calmer. I have urged him to try to see things from our son’s perspective, but his reply is that you should always demand 100 percent from people.

He says that he’s a lot better than his own dad, who never showed up for anything. How can I get him to see that this behavior is unacceptable and actually harming or son?

Exhausted

Exhausted: Your husband claims that he is “better” than his own father was, but how is getting ejected from a game better than not showing up for the game? Either way, Dad is not at the game!

If your son screamed, yelled, threw tantrums on the field, and got ejected, would your husband endorse this behavior? I doubt it.

I shared your question with Tina Syer, of the Positive Coaching Alliance (Positivecoach.org), a national nonprofit organization dedicated to training parents and coaches to have positive and pro-social experiences on the field.

She responds, “Sports parents too often lose sight of the big picture in youth sports, which are ideal for teaching life lessons that can help kids develop and achieve in all aspects of their lives. ‘Exhausted’ should persuade her husband to focus on the long-term effects of his behavior.”

Syer, who coaches one of her sons’ baseball teams, says, “Learning to compete and give 100 percent is important, and the way to ensure your son takes those life lessons is by providing unconditional love and support, regardless of performance, and by helping him process the youth sports experience.

“Berating him, coaches, officials or others only serves to humiliate the child — chasing him from the sport — and to drive a wedge between him and his father, potentially for the rest of their lives. Research, and the top sport psychologists working with pro athletes, has found that negativity degrades performance.”

Syer and I agree that shooting a video of your husband freaking out might shock him into changing.

Don’t ask him to change; lovingly demand that he apply his famous 100 percent effort to changing.