How to parent for safety when your child is home from college
Over the past ten years or so several groupings of our four children were home for the summer either from college or Grad school. I found myself remembering how hard it can be to parent young adults. (and yes, they still require some parenting!) As a family we had negotiated and re-negotiated safety rules many times with them all, and I offer a few thoughts if you (as I did) are struggling to balance respecting your young adult's autonomy and privacy and being able to sleep at night now that they are back home.
One message that many of you have heard from me is simple, but remains true, you have the right to set rules and boundaries in your home regardless of your child's age, and how successfully they may have negotiated their time at college.
Parents sometime forget that we all live by boundaries and rules, though as adults most of our "house rules" are contractual and unspoken. For example, I don't stay out all night, or make my husband wonder where I am if I don't show up on time. One of my favorite lines to use with young adult clients who try to silence their parents' requests for rules by a phrase like, "I am 19. I can do what I want." is to say, "I am 53 and I can't stay out all night, drive after drinking, etc. We all have rules that we choose to live by out of caring and respect for our loved ones."
Here are some specifics about how to make sure your young adult knows that your request for safety boundaries while they are home is a labor of love.
1) Don't wait until you disagree with something your child requests or states they are going to do once they are home.
Start now by text or phone to say things like, "When you are home we will have some of the same guidelines we had last summer. Let us know what your major plans are as soon as you know them? We will be sharing the cars when you are home so we will have to talk about plans."
2) Speak calmly, but with love and firmness about your displeasure/worry about your child's plans.
Parents have a great deal more influence than they realize on their child's behavior simply by stating what they expect and want together with a message of love and concern. If your college age child says, "We are going to a party," you have every right to ask where, who will be there, etc. Saying something like, "You show good judgement most of the time, just please be careful driving with friends, or attending any event with high school students or that you know we wouldn't approve of. We love you too much to allow you to be placed in harms way."When your child rolls her eyes at this add something like,"Call us anytime for a ride if you need it." and attempt a bear hug before he/she leaves.
A few years after I really needed to be concerned about my older son's decisions, he admitted that he missed me making those little speeches to him. "I like it that you are worried about me Mom" he said. Despite your 18-20 something year old's protests now, they do know that your expressed concern and worry is a deep form of love.
3) Stick to your standards for behavior and safety
Inconsistency breeds chaos with young people. Once you have set your boundaries for safety stay with them no matter what 'song and dance' your young adult gives you. "I only drank 3 beers and then waited to drive!" "You can't control me, I'll move out!" and such statements are often flung out by young people when they know they are cornered and ARE WRONG,and they are all nonsense. Make the rules, stick to them and don't back down.
In the same line of reasoning, it is very important to set limits with young adults who may fall short of your expressed rules or boundaries, and the way you express these restrictions is very important.
The parent/teen interaction of"You're grounded" will not cut it, instead talk to your young adult child as you would an employee or someone who is an equal, but who you are concerned about. For example,"Because you came home with alcohol on your breath last night, and later that we discussed, we don't feel comfortable giving you free reign of the car right now. We believe that you waited until you were less intoxicated, but you are only 19 and shouldn't have driven at all. We are concerned that you risked your safety and we need time to think of what is fair."
I would love to hear your own good ideas, suggestions and comments on this tough topic.
Email me at :
I wish you a safe and wonderful time with your young people this spring and summer.
Liz Jorgensen
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