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On the door of a kosher Japanese restaurant in Israel:
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The Real Story of Creation of Human Beings (and many of the other animals)
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Irish Millennials Try Jewish Food
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We Can't Remember
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Observations...
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under
Every calendar's days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
Acupuncture is a jab well done
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The Lady and the Post Office
There was a man who worked at the Post Office, whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came across his desk that had very shaky handwriting and was addressed to GOD. It had no actual address, but it did have a return address. He gave it some thought and then decided to open it to see what it was all about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving and I had invited two of my very dear friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He show the letter to all his fellow workers. Each dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he had made the rounds, he had collected $ 96.00, which the put into an envelope and mailed it back to the woman. The rest of the day all the postal workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Thanksgiving came and went. A few days later, another letter arrived from the same old lady addressed to GOD. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends about your wonderful gift.
By the way.... there was $ 4.00 missing. I think it might have been those bastards down at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna
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Computer Problems
As we
SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric...
Maxine's Observations
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending Machines and a large trash can.
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Birthright Registration is Open! Sign up Today
1. Sign Up now at nnj2israel.com
2. Make sure to choose the correct date and age range for your Tlalim-Israel Outdoors trip organizer in the Primary Application.
3. When asked to select a trip in the Primary Application, choose one of theNorthern NJ Community trips
4. Don't forget to submit your deposit!
5. Once you submit your deposit, within 24 hours Israel Outdoors will email you a link to the Secondary Application. Log in and choose one or both of the Northern NJ Community trips:
May 20 - May 30
NYC / Northern New Jersey Community / Ages 18 - 22 / [TL-36-376]
June 18 - June 28
NYC / Northern New Jersey Community / Ages 22 - 26 / [TL-36-405]
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Ganze Megillah: Avner Moriah
In celebration of Purim, The Laurie M. Tisch Gallery is pleased to exhibit the stunning, large-scale illuminated Scroll of Esther created by the well-known Israeli painter Avner Moriah. This Scroll of Esther tells the ancient story by mixing Persian, Indian, and Islamic art miniature style paintings with Italian Renaissance styling and contemporary humor, politics and sensibilities.
Ganze Megillah (Yiddish for "The Whole Story") will feature 18 framed illuminated manuscript on parchment, along with process drawings and video of the artists.
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March 3 - March 14
Film Forum
BEN-GURION: EPILOGUE is an unseen 1968 interview with the iconic Founding Father of Israel, in which he repeatedly declares that between land and peace, he would choose peace. Sharp, articulate, and funny at age 82, Ben-Gurion refreshingly admits to having made mistakes.
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March 3 - March 14
Film Forum
Shimon Dotan's film takes a good, hard look at the world of the Israeli settlers on the West Bank: the way they live, the worldview that many of them share, and, most crucially, the relaxed attitude of the Israeli government toward their presence since the first settlements in the aftermath of the Six-Day War. Dotan lays out the facts with extraordinary care and lucidity, and allows us to see the progression of actions and reactions that led to the current volatile situation, one small step at a time. Perhaps the greatest astonishment of this generally astonishing film is the casual zealotry and racism, and the apparently untroubled certainty, of many of the settlers themselves.
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On going film -- Various Venues
MR. GAGA
follows choreographer Ohad Naharin at a critical turning point in his personal life. This spirited and insightful documentary will introduce you to a man with great artistic integrity and an extraordinary vision. Mr. Gaga tells Naharin's personal story of this controversial, political, and always entertaining figure, and his constant battle for artistic perfection. Eight years in the making, Mr. Gaga traces Ohad Naharin's artistic roots using personal family footage, intimate rehearsal footage, extensive unseen archive material and stunning dance sequences. Heymann weaves a marvelous tale of what it takes to be a genius, the exhausting toll dance can take on its performers, and finally, the beauty that art can bring to this world.
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A group of young adults with Down syndrome embark on a demanding trip through the Himalayas accompanied by their typically abled siblings, bringing unresolved challenges to the surface. Winner, Best Documentary, Jerusalem Film Festival.
as part of
Reelabilities
- the largest festival in the country dedicated to awareness and appreciation of the lives, stories and artistic expressions of people with disabilities.
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Creative Action Network
Creative Action Network and the Anti-Defamation League are teaming up to invite artists to illustrate refugee stories from across time and geography. Maybe your family fled pogroms in Eastern Europe, from Nazism, from political oppression in Iran or the Soviet Union. Maybe you know someone who fled Uganda or other countries that persecute members of the LGBT community, maybe you are concerned about how many today have to flee extreme violence and persecution. No matter where refugees came from or their reason for fleeing, each story is unique--but connected. We hope to build a collection of pieces that rise above the noise and hateful rhetoric by humanizing the refugee experience.
Crowdsourced, creative campaigns that enlist artist and designers to create work around different ideas and causes. All designs that meet the requirements in their respective creative briefs will be published and made available for sale as prints and other merchandise. Artists retain ownership of their work but grant us permission to promote, license and sell it in exchange for 40% of the proceeds.
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TORAH Page 503, 1135 HAFTARAH Page 1282
T'TZAVVEH
This week's portion is a continuation of the detailed listing of the appurtenances required for the functioning of the desert Sanctuary, and of the priestly garments which Aaron, the High Priest, and his sons had to wear when officiating in the Sanctuary.
NER TAMID
- The expression "Eternal Light" is actually a misnomer; "Regular Light," while not as lofty an expression, is a more accurate rendering. The
Ner Tamid
was kindled each day in the evening and burned throughout the night until the morning.
EPHOD
- A tunic, waist-length garment worn by the High Priest. It was clasped together at the shoulders by two onyx stones on which were engraved the names of all twelve tribes, symbolically identifying Aaron as the representative of all the people.
HOSHEN MISHPAT
- The Breastplate of Judgement was a pouch approximately nine inches square that was suspended by two gold chains from the shoulders of the
Ephod.
It contained twelve precious stones (four rows of three); each engraved with the name of one of the tribes. These stones comprised the
Urim and Tummim
which were consulted as an oracle of sorts in decision making.
ROBE OF THE EPHOD
- A sleeveless tunic of blue, worn under the
Ephod.
It was fringed with alternating golden and pomegranate shaped bells. The chiming of the bells indicated to the people that the High Priest was performing his duties.
MITRE
- A turban of linen with a gold plate affixed to the front, engraved with words
"Kodesh Ladonai"
(Holy to the Lord).
OTHER GARMENTS
- The High Priest also wore a woven tunic, girdle and breeches - all made of linen. Ordinary priests wore these same linen garments, but their headgear was an ordinary turban instead of the Mitre.
ALTAR OF INCENSE
- Each morning and evening incense was burned on the altar, made of acacia wood and overlaid with gold. The Altar of Incense was placed in the tabernacle just in front of the veil that covered the Holy of Holies.
ZAKHOR
From the second Torah Scroll we read a brief portion recounting the reprehensible attack on the Israelites shortly after the Exodus from Egypt by the Amalekites. This passage is always read on the Shabbat preceding Purim because Haman (ben Hamdata Ha'
Agagi
) is thought to be a descendant of the Amalekite king
Agag
, who is the subject of this morning's special Haftara.
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