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Most of the children that show constant tantrums don't "misbehave" intentionally. They are experiencing primitive responses of stress because they're only functioning with the lower part of their brain. To understand the brain of a child we can picture a house. The lower part of the house or the lower brain is a more primitive structure because its job has to do with innate reactions such as fight or flight, and strong emotions like anger or fear. The upper part of the house or upper brain is a more complex structure in charge of more elaborate mental processes like thinking, reasoning and planning. The upper brain is in charge of decision-making, controlling emotions, self-monitoring, etc.
When the upper brain is functioning well, the child can regulate his emotions, think of consequences, think before acting and have other's feelings in mind. But the reality is that most of the children from hard places function almost exclusively with their lower brain because they haven't had an optimum development. Their brain is not fully integrated.
How then, can we address this better? We must be parents and caretakers that have their brain in mind. Our task is to help them build the stairs from the lower part to the upper part of the house, so they can connect the lower brain with the upper. You can only accomplish this in this direction. We do this by finding ways in which the child feels safe through loving responses that provide felt safety and respecting their individuality. We must prioritize to calm the lower brain reactivity over anything else, like you would do with a baby that just arrived home.
When we use strategies addressing the upper brain first, using lectures or trying to reason, we send the false message that if they try hard enough they can improve. Hearing this time and time again starts to damage their self-image, confidence and the relationship between parent and child because what they think is that no matter how hard they try, they can never measure up to what is expected of them.
We need to understand that in order for a child to control his emotions and behaviors, they require to have certain foundations in place first. For a child to learn to calm his body and mind. He/She needs for the caregiver to be able to calm him/her in a loving way. Emotional regulation develops from co-regulation with loving adults. It is not developed by itself, you have to do it with them just like you would with a baby.
The pathways in the brain of a child with a wounded past are deep and, in order to build new ones is going to take effort, patience and calmness. With time, this skills will become the foundation of the emotional house of the child. You will be able to see that even a child like Mary can learn to face frustrations in a more balanced way.
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