Last night I had the pleasure of learning from Dr. Wendy Mogel, a noted clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and best-selling author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of a B Minus. She was the inaugural speaker for a new teen wellness program being run by several South Bay Synagogues, including Temple Beth El.  Dr. Mogel reminded the audience of close to 200 parents of the need to give our children space, to let them make mistakes, to let them fail, and to let them learn how to be resilient.  She pointed out some of the unhelpful behaviors that all of us parents are guilty of perpetuating and the need to be aware of how our actions, despite our best intentions, can at times create more stress and tension.  She also reminded us that if our children are polite to their teachers, to the parents of their friends, and to other adults, while being confrontational and belligerent with us, well, that's just normal.

 

Her talk reminded me of a verse and a lesson from this week's Torah portion, T'rumah.  As we read of the description of the sacred objects for the ark, we learn that the Ark which will hold the tablets of the law should have an overlay of gold, both inside and out. (Exodus 25:11)

 

Our sages ask, "why would one put a gold overlay on the inside of the ark, where it would be sealed and nobody could see it?"  The response from the Talmud teaches that "any scholar who is not the same kind of person in private as in public is not a true scholar" (Yoma 72b from Etz Hayyim Torah Commentary, p. 488).

 

We should expect adults to behave similarly in private as they do in public.  If one is kind, generous, loving and compassionate with friends and colleagues out of the home, and is mean-spirited, miserly, and demeaning at home, then that person fails the authenticity test and is not true to him or herself or others, both at home and in private.

 

Our children, however, need a place to vent, to let their guard down, and to be able to be periodically stubborn or defiant (within reason of course) at home, in front of their parents who will love them unconditionally.  Because they spend so much time being "on" with their friends, teachers, other adults, they need a place where they can just be themselves. At times that version of themselves isn't so "golden."  And yes, it drives some of us parents nuts.  They yell at us, and we let ourselves get heated and frustrated.  We may raise our voice in response to theirs, or we may just turn off.  They turn away from us, shut themselves in their room, and remain angry at us for ruining their lives yet again.  However, the next day when they wake up, it's a new day, and it's as if nothing happened.  Our dear, loving and caring child is back in our good graces (and vice versa).  

 

I believe that if we parents can be role models, imagining ourselves to be like the ark, with a gold overlay inside and out; and if we can let our children, especially our teenagers be themselves, figuring out how to manage in this world, then in time they too will obtain a gold overlay, inside and out.  

 

Those several years of adolescence may feel like forty years of wandering in the desert, but know that the Promised Land is at the end, and great reward and fulfillment may be found there. 

 

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Charles Briskin

P.S.  Tonight and tomorrow is the National Day of Unplugging.  Try staying off of your cell phone, social media, and other electronic distractions so you can reconnect with yourself and others.  See how long you can make it.  Go to www.nationaldayofunplugging.com to learn more.