Our children learn mostly form what they see, that which is modeled by the authority and caregiving figures in their lives. From the way we communicate, the gestures we use, our reactions, the tone of our voice, etc. Many times we have the intention of using our words to model their behaviors, but what they really end up imitating is out behavior. This is why it's important to be mindful of our attitudes, answers, weaknesses and areas where we need to work on, and let the Lord work in us because sometimes the message we want to send is not always congruent with what we're reflecting.
It is important that when it comes to correcting, we do it with an attitude towards the behavior and not the person. We shouldn't say, ''you're disobedient'', ''rude'', ''disrespectful'', ''messy'', ''lazy'', etc., we should say instead: ''that was disrespectful, try again with respect'', ''your room is messy'', etc.
Let's remember that their self-image is very fragmented and hurt. No matter how long they've been living with you or their legal status, it's still in their minds, whether consciously or unconsciously, that they were abandoned, abused or rejected, and that they're not your blood children, that's why every time you punish them or correct them they are confronted with: ''I'm unworthy'', ''I'm evil'', ''I'm useless'', '' I never get it right'', ''It's all my fault'', ''they're leaving me'', etc. Even if they don't say it with their words, they can express it with their behavior later, whether its by isolating themselves, acting out, avoiding eye contact, giving you the silence treatment, or even to the point of self-mutilation. That's why it's crucial that you remind them, after every corrective measure, that you love them, that they're special and valued. Reinforce their identity and value and be specific about the behavior you're trying to change.
It should be our goal after every correction, no matter how many times you have to do it, that:
1- there's a change in the behavior,
2- the child feels connected to the adult, seeing him as an ally not the enemy,
3- the child feels content in the relationship and loved by the one correcting him.
Giving them options at the time of disciplining helps putting the emphasis off of what they cannot do, and on what they can do. Sharing power with your children helps them develop skills of decision making and strategies for life.
When we yell at them and send them to their room, it reinforces their past hurts of abuse and abandonment, and causes a disconnection in the relationship. Staying nearby while they calm down and reflect on their behavior before talking again helps maintain the connection.
Time-in says: come, I will help you do it the right way; Time out says: go and don't come until you get it right.
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