Do you ever do this...
It's the quiet of the morning, your alarm isn't set to go off for another 30 minutes, but your mind has already begun racing - your day begins to quickly unravel before you. Your feet haven't even stepped into your slippers; you haven't even sipped your morning coffee (or dew, in my case) and you already feel defeated. It's all just too much.
Happens to us all, doesn't it?
Some mornings I catch myself and say, "Today will be different."
Today I will listen fully when my children talk to me (and not twitch because I haven't checked my text messages in 10 minutes).
Today I will not wear yoga pants, unless I'm actually going to yoga (which never happens).
Today I will look presentable when my husband walks through the door. I will hug him.
Today I will not roll my eyes once. I will smile and be present and breathe deeply.
Today I will make a real dinner and I will not overdose on caffeine.
Today I will not swear - I will pray more; I will assume the best about others.
Today I will be the best me I can be. Today will be different.
And then...
Well.
There is a great dichotomy - a tension if you will - within my life. Tension between how I want to live and experience life and how I often live and experience it.
The confident voice in my head that cheers me on, "Today will be different," can be quickly hushed by:
Can I just make it through today?
Who am I kidding? Today will be the same as yesterday. Nothing changes.
Is it bedtime yet?
Most of us go back and forth between confident declarations and feeling overwhelmingly underwhelmed. But, even in my worst moments, I want it to be different. Drudging through my life is a disgrace to the honor and long shot at being alive I've been given by God.
I want to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
I even want to be the goodness of the LORD.
But honestly, there are weeks when I know I did not leave the world a better place; I did not even leave it unchanged. There are weeks when it is possible the world is worse off because of my existence.
Because seriously - I am not sunshine and fairy dust every day.
How does one stay confident and trust in the promises of God when so often we are just grinding it out? Daily struggles dotted with looming crises.
The psalmist faces our same struggle, beginning boldly:
"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to devour my flesh- my adversaries and foes- they shall stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident."
This man has gotten up on the right side of the bed. There is no stopping him - not an army, not evildoers, not computer malfunctions, not mudslinging, not the boss who has it out for you, and most certainly not a pile of laundry the size of Mount Everest.
Today will be different for the psalmist.
At least for the first 7 verses...
In my mind that's until about 10am, when the coffee wears off and something breaks our confidence: a harsh comment, a less than stellar performance, unfair judgment... and suddenly all the props have been pulled out from under us.
Then, today is just like yesterday and we cry out to the LORD.
Well, that's what the Psalmist does. Calls upon the Lord to hear him, begs God to answer him and be gracious to him.
Me on the other hand, I'm probably cussing, breathing sharply, and secretly wanting to scratch out the eyes of my 'foe'. Reinforcing the fact that I have failed my early morning mantra of not swearing and praying more.
The Psalmist momentarily goes down into the pit of despair, or has what I would call a 'woe is me moment.' He feels like the entire world is stacked against him, even his family and friends. Nothing seems true or solid. Everything and everyone comes into question.
I know this feeling. I have a word for it. I call it 'spinning'.
However, the Psalmist does something notable, something which stops the spinning, or at least slows it down so he can get off the rollercoaster. Something I should probably take note of for tomorrow... because I'm determined - tomorrow will be different.
When the world is a dizzying tornado about him, he doesn't hunker down and concoct a to-do list...
He fixes his gaze upon the LORD.
"One thing I asked of the Lord, one thing I seek: That I may live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, and may gaze upon the beauty of the Lord."
He's single-mindedly focused on God.
At least he is here. The supposed author of the psalm is David, so we know he wasn't always focused on God. We know he was distracted by power and women.
But in this moment...
He chooses to gaze on the beauty and goodness of God.
And it makes all the difference.
He knows that the secret of seeing in the dark places is fixing his mind on the task of gazing on the goodness of the LORD, rather than the badness of the darkness.
It all depends on what we look at.
One of the reasons my 'todays' end up just like my 'yesterdays' is because my eyes dart everywhere. Everywhere but God. I have many desires.
Some of my desires are fair and good.
Some of my desires are self-interested and self-preservation.
Some are shoved in my face and some I seek out.
But the end result is I end up seeing a lot more darkness than God.
Strangely, humanity is often attracted to that which slowly sucks the life out of us, resulting in a living death.
But God is on the side of life - on the side of an alive life.
Now, before you say this is a naïve and passive response which only holds water in the confines of a religious institution, let me offer that expecting, believing, and anticipating that there is goodness to be seen, there is GOD to be found, is a BOLD claim.
It is nothing short of radical.
The world would have us believe that we are on a super highway to hell with evildoers lurking in every corner. And sometimes it seems that way.
But the LORD of my salvation reminds me that He's already been to hell, seen hell, and defeated hell.
The goodness of God can neither be prevented or vetoed. We only need look to Golgotha to know this truth.
Now, the predictable line for me to say here would be: You have nothing to fear. God's got it.
Nah. That's too easy. There are terrible things in the world; there are hard things in our lives. And the truth is, gazing upon God and seeking to trust in His goodness doesn't change the truth that we have real fears and challenges. Life is hard.
However, boldly standing in the promise of Jesus, when all you want to do is crawl back in bed, and proclaiming, "I may not be confident of much, but one thing I am: I will see the goodness of the LORD in my life."
That's how I want to wake up.
Now, before you feel like I've just tasked you with step eleven in your 'ten steps towards positive living course,' let me say it is not up to us to manufacture strength, invent courage, and concoct hope.
That's God's job. Seriously - leave that piece up to Him.
It is our job to seek the LORD the best we can; try to believe there is beauty to be found; let our hearts grasp the courage that is given us...
and it will be enough saving grace for the day.
Today will be different.
Today I will cry out to God when I am in despair.
Today I will believe that goodness triumphs evil.
Today I will be strong and courageous in the LORD.
Today I will be soft and compassionate in the LORD.
Today I will live in the land of the living.
And when I fail, the grace of God promises that mercies are new each morning.
Tomorrow will be different.
Amen.
