November Newsletter

Quote #9:

"How beautiful it is to stay silent when someone expects you to be enraged."

November 7, 2016 Sixteenth Edition

Greetings!

Why do our children with RAD act like toddlers?

Why don't they have a conscience?

I've been asked both of those questions in the last month - several times. So here are the explanations I have, found through a lot of study, hands-on work, and by talking to some amazing specialists in the attachment and child development field.

Enjoy!

Love, Karen

PS. The chart doesn't format very well on a mobile device, so you may need to view it on a desktop.

Normal Stages of Internalization

The following chart is by Dr. Forter Cline, who spent many years working with some of the most disturbed children in the US. He is highly acclaimed in the attachment field, has written stacks of amazing books, and continues to help countless families with their children.

STAGE 1

(1-3 years)

"I'll take it."

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STAGE 2

(2-5 years)

"I would like to take it, but Dad/Mom would kill me!"

Parents seem as all-powerful in size, power, and mental ability

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STAGE 3

(5-7 years)

"I would like to take it, but my parents might find out." (Still fearful)

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STAGE 4

(6-9 years)

"I would take it, but if Dad/Mom found out he/she would be upset." (Wistful)

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STAGE 5

(7-11 years)

"I would take it, but I don't feel good about doing things like that."

Represents primary process thinking.

(no lid on id*)

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Represents causative thinking, although primitive

(even this is not present in the severely unattached).

They steal unless parent is in sight.

(outside lid on id)

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They show painful causative thinking.

The child is "playing the odds".

(partial lid on id)

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Shows solid beginning of internalization of object.

(lid on id)

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Internalization is complete and the child's own moral values are in place.

(super ego complete)

*Definition of id: the part of the mind in which innate instinctive impulses and primary processes are manifest.

When a child has suffered trauma, abuse or neglect within their first three years of life, they get stuck in the first stage of the internalization process. They continually act like a toddler who lives by "I want it, so I can have it".

Because our children don't trust their primary caregiver(s) and feel the need to be in control in order to survive, they don't have the base they need to move into the second stage: seeing their parents as powerful, smart, and big (protectors).

We need to meet our children where they are in their emotional development, and then by using therapeutic parenting and Bruce Perry's brain exercises, bring them up to their age-appropriate level.

A quote from one of my favourite authors, Dr. Ken Magid, describes our children so well:

"When children are unattached they lack an internalized object. Because of this, they do not mature but instead continue to be self-centered, impulsive and “babyish”. Their concern is always “What’s in it for me?”"

(from High Risk, Children Without a Conscience)

A healthy child holds their primary caregiver(s) as their internalized object. They take in how their parents treat them, how they interact with people and the world around them, and learn that the world is a safe place by how comfortable their parents are in it.

How we all feel some days...

Watch out for our 12 Days of Christmas newsletter special starting December 1st!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.”

Jeremiah 29:11

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