We've all been there.
Whether it's our hairdresser, our phone company or our friend, we all have to part ways with someone, at some point,
whom we were once loyal to.
One of my most committed students came in and broke up with me last week. If there had been judges, even the Russians would have given her a 10. It was beautifully executed.
Now I have to be honest...I have not been on the receiving end of a break up very many times in my life, which has its perks and its challenges. This surprise is what was so interesting to me. Glorious, actually! Thrilling, even.
Like most things that make you raise your eyebrows, it created a doorway for pondering. It has also been a great lesson for me to chew on as I continue to investigate the importance of separation and when to do it.
Calling it quits takes guts, because we play the game of guilt in our head. "That person will be hurt or even devastated if I suddenly call things off." Or we go in circles of questioning. "Too frustrating to stay, too good to leave". This is where we rant to our partner or friend about this other person on a regular basis. But talking about something repeatedly and not doing something about it is just complaining. Truth is, IN THIS PHASE YOU ARE NOT READY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE. You have not changed enough within YOURSELF enough to justify a change in your exterior world.
Here are some questions to ask yourself in this phase:
1. How does this relationship serve me? (Trust me, it serves you, even if it's not pretty)
2. Am I projecting my stuff on them?
3. How does my body FEEL when I am around them?
You may stay in this phase for days, weeks or years.
But here's my advice from both sides of the coin WHEN IT'S THE RIGHT TIME:
1. Have a transforming experience that leaves you looking at the world a different way
2. Truly understand what you want and why
3. Set aside a time when you know you are not rushed, and take a walk beforehand, if possible
3. Throw a couple air punches to rev up your power center
4. Breathe deeply
5. Engage in a relaxed conversation without time constraints, as close to "as usual" as possible, but use it to describe your transforming experience
6. Express your gratitude for their presence in your life, then immediately after...
7. Release yourself, WITHOUT GUILT
8. Leave the room/building. And when in a personal space discharge by letting out a holler, going for a walk, crying, or clapping your hands.
9. Exhale and stay focused on your new insight and lighter load
Ending a relationship is a call to action for both parties to move forward. It's liberating, actually. When we are the ones being left AND when we are doing the leaving, we are granting true permission to live more authentically.
Ultimately, my break up went well. I was happy for her inner confidence to pursue other avenues of her growth, and I was reminded of what I teach and why. The crazy interesting thing is, the more confident we both are in how we feel, the less threatened we are by the other. We may very likely deepen our relationship BECAUSE of our differences. There is something quite sexy and intriguing about a strong view point, even if it's not my own.
Joy comes from bravely stating who we are, what we need, and why. Your work: getting to the why.
