Similarly, whatever a woman does for her husband is included in the Rambam's directive, "She must honor him exceedingly." It doesn't say this in regard to a husband respecting his wife as woman instinctively want to respect their husband. A woman once wrote me a question. She wanted to be like Rachel but her husband wasn't Rabbi Akiva. She described him as a schmoozer and as someone who liked going to simchot. Obviously, it was Hashem's will that they marry. Her role is to value her husband's warmth and humanness, respect who he is, and let that complete her.

Respect is at the root of all human relationships. The Rambam mentions kavod before love to teach us that there will never be true love if it isn't based on kavod. It says, "V'lo tisa alev chet." When you reprove a person, don't embarrass him. It's inconceivable that you'll love your neighbor unless you treat him with the respect every human being deserves. Humiliating someone is saying, "You have no value, you're unimportant to me."

A person can never understand what kavod really is until he frees himself of the illusion of equating kavod with equality. People tend to do that in contemporary society. The sages tell us, "Who is honored, one who gives honor to others as it says, those who honor me I shall give honor to him." True kavod is recognizing the virtues of the other person and attaching oneself to it until it becomes a part of oneself. Every person has unique attributes that deserves recognition and respect. Every person should seem greater to you in some way. If someone is wise or rich, respect him. Hashem made him the repository of wisdom or wealth. If he is poor or simple and you are rich or intelligent then think that he is innocent and you are far more accountable. Equality says, "You're not more than me in any way." Kavod says, "In this aspect you're greater than me and I'm going to value it and attach myself to it." In the world of equality where no one needs anyone else you'll find a lot of talk about rights and not much about obligations. There's no possibility of having an honest relationship if you think you're perfect. Torah is based on the idea of having mutual obligations of respect. Everybody is lacking something and needs others to make him whole. This is why a Rav has to show respect to his student. The Rav needs the student just as much as the student needs the Rav. So too husbands and wives need each other. When there's respect between them there's the unspoken message, "I respect you for being you, not just for what I can get from you." This opens the relationship to true love and everything else that comes forth from it.