As early childhood educators, one of our primary goals is to help children learn to resolve conflicts on their own and to send them out in to the wider world able to advocate for themselves and to "get their shovel back", as Lisa Murphy would say. At our school, we draw from the collective wisdom of Bev Bos, Adele Faber and Becky Bailey, all of whom have tips for conflict resolution on their websites. We share these voices, different approaches all singing the same tune, to educate our parents in scaffolding the children through the hurdles of everyday play at school and at home.
We asked early childhood professionals across the United States to share the most important pieces of their conflict resolution policies and here's what we heard:
Don't jump in before children have the time to attempt to work it out. Trust. Refrain from being the fixer but stand by as they work through it...Frederick, MD
Encourage social and emotional risk taking in addition to physical and creative risk taking. Support children as they explore, take risks, fail, persevere and succeed over and over while acting as listening and acting as sounding boards...Vineyard Haven, MA
As a cooperative school, we work to support parents and help them accept that this is all developmentally appropriate and an opportunity for their child to build lifelong problem solving skills. We are EVERY child's ally...Berkeley, CA
We put our energy into helping the "victim" by encouraging them to state their displeasure. We share inspiration from an article in which Vejoya Viren asserts "There are studies that show preschool conflicts are settled without adult intervention and result in a clean win/loss situation followed by a cheerful resumption of play. There is a cultural tendency in professional practice towards adult or teacher intervention in classrooms."...Roseville, CA
We encourage both children to state their displeasure and expect both to take responsibility for resolution. We assist children in unraveling all the parts of a conflict to help them see their effects on others and understand the complexity of conflict....Vineyard Haven, MA
It sounds like we all strive to help children become autonomous in their struggles, but what about when the conflict is between adults in our communities, whether it is another teacher, co-worker, or parent volunteer? The Conflict Resolution Center of Montgomery County here in Maryland offers these strategies:
Check anger levels-Are you too angry to have a rational conversation? Is this a good time to deal with this situation? Would another time be better?
Check yourself- Why am I so angry/upset? What do I really want out of this situation? What can I do to get that?
Check out the participants-Who needs to be here to resolve this?
Create a Safe Space-What guidelines do you and others need to be honest with each other? (what goes on here stays here) What guidelines do you and others need to be able to listen to each other? (one person speaks at a time)
Check out what other people want-Listen. Listen. Listen. Often if you listen first, other people will let you speak. Say back what you heard. Give other people a chance to clarify. What do other people really want out of the situation?
Say what's going on for you-Be clear about what you need. Explain how you feel. Say what you need in a way that is respectful to others. Remember the goal is for you to be heard, not to slam other people.
Make sure you understand what the conflict is really about-Make sure you know what issues you are discussing-chores, communication, expectations. Figure out what everyone wants out of the solutions.
Look for solutions together-Work on one issue at a time. Make a list of all possible solutions. Pick the ones that work for everyone.
Check in later-Come back later and see how it's going.
Non-violent collaborative conflict management is about standing up for yourself and getting your needs met, and being respectful of others and making sure they get their needs met, too. It's not about avoiding real problems and pretending they're not there. It's a challenging process and it's one that develops long term solutions to conflicts while maintaining relationships.
