Although there were many great moments in my family life, hidden beneath the surface were dark secrets of abuse. Even deeper were scars that I suppressed after suffering molestation by a female family member. I suffered in silence for many years and I just didn't know who to tell. What transpired in my past graduated into an attraction to someone of the same sex. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it, because in my family this kind of thing was frowned upon.
As the years went by, I suppressed my feelings and turned my life to the Lord. Eventually, I met and married a man who was jolly, but very troubled. We had two wonderful children and we both shared in ministry together.
I knew God was calling me into the ministry and I began to preach throughout New York City. My husband, however, was battling a few illnesses and eventually went into depression. As he turned into himself, I found myself feeling alone.
I tried to fight with the dark secrets of my past, but the internet and chat rooms were on the rise and I started talking with women online. It seemed so innocent until I started dating these women I met online. I was living one way in front of the church and the family, and another way with my lesbian counterparts. I found myself hanging out in gay clubs and engaging in immorality.
My life became emotionally entangled with a woman and then the unthinkable happened; my husband of 20 years passed away. That was when I started evaluating my life and I came to the realization that my lifestyle choice was wrong. Nevertheless, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop living that lesbian life, and my partner was urging me to "come out" and stop hiding in the closet. She wanted more from the relationship; she wanted a commitment.
The struggle inside of me was intense, I didn't want to be a lesbian, nor did I want that lifestyle. I knew what I should be doing, and that was serving God. Gay rights were on the rise. Society was making it very easy for me to just be open and expressive about the love I was feeling for this woman. But I knew something wasn't right. I had no peace so I started searching online for help because I knew I couldn't do it alone. I first found an online counselor who encouraged me to seek out a ministry that I could get involved with. During that search, I stumbled across Janet Boynes' book, Called Out. So much of what I was feeling, Janet expressed in her book. I finally felt like someone understood my ups and downs and my struggle. I boldly reached out to her ministry and was greeted with a response within 1/2 hour. I experienced love, encouragement and a host of support from her team. What I came to realize was that this would be a process and freedom wouldn't happen overnight. However, I was willing to fight for my healing and my freedom from lesbianism. I immersed myself in JBM's monthly support group where I started my journey of healing. Now, I am the leader for the group I was attending at Janet Boynes Ministries, and this group ministers to women who struggle with homosexuality and same sex attraction.
The message I once preached of hope and love has been renewed. What th
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devil meant for evil, God is using for His glory. I wouldn't trade the peace that comes with walking in His will for anything. I now have joy and feel acceptance that could only come from my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for the fellowship I now have with Him: "Old things have passed away, and all things have become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17).
