Surviving Christmas Without You 

Celebrating Christmas

Christmas, although one of the largest celebrations for people of the Christian faith, it is celebrated around the world by non-Christians alike. Caroling, gift-giving, feasting, praying, family traditions and celebrating elevate our spirits to help us enjoy the season. But not necessarily for the bereaved.

In early grief, the bereaved have difficulty functioning let alone celebrating. In the later years of ongoing grief it may still be difficult to process through the holiday season but it may be handled differently. This difference is not accomplished because of any one clue, technique or tip the bereaved person has learned but more so resultant of what they have learned about themselves.

Who We Are

In grief we are shattered and lose pieces of who we were. Often those pieces include our spiritual gifts of empathy, unselfishness, altruism, kindness, appreciation and generosity. Although grief creates a painful experience at Christmas time, sharing your gifts helps others and helps you not only regain those pieces of you but helps you recreate the new you.

Just "being" is difficult for many bereaved. Processing or the actual movement through the days may seem impossible. Because of the fear of what might happen, most bereaved people expend much energy in thought and worry about how they will survive the holidays. We worry about whether our pain will allow us to "get through the day", we worry about our other children's Christmas experience, we worry about whether someone will remember our child or mention their name.

Who We Can Become

Although all our thoughts might assist us in distracting from the emotional pain or future pain, perhaps another distraction might create more positive results.

Adopt an idea that focuses your attention in a different direction. This is executing your pain with attention. ("Pain is lessened when addressed, planned for and executed with attention.") Some possible ideas for focusing your attention this Christmas:

• Concentrate on the outdoor birds' needs. Build a bird house, nest boxes, shelter, prepare your yard for their winter needs.(thawed water, available nesting material, seed, suet)
• Collect toys or books for a children's' hospital
• Collect calendars received in the mail and donate to an assisted living center
• Solicit your family members resources to create a family box to donate to a homeless shelter family
• Create a gift basket for a family in a homeless shelter (sheets, kitchen items, food, etc)
• Donate diapers and diaper wipes to parenting or unwed mothers' program or homeless shelter  
• Choose a family to adopt from a shopping mall Giving Christmas tree, homeless shelter or church list
• Provide gifts for children in at-risk children/teen facilities/runaway teen shelter programs (as many do not have supportive families)
• Donate your time in a teen shelter, soup kitchen, senior center, assisted living and/or memory care unit or adult day care center
• Donate gifts, fruit baskets, toys (as appropriate for adults also) to assisted living facilities/memory care units, veterans organizations, (for adults and their children)
• Donate art supplies, toys, games, household goods, clothes, etc to abused women's' shelter
• As a family, collect toys or mittens/hats/gloves and donate to a children's organization or fire station

Who Is Our Support?

Pain is lessened when addressed, planned for and executed with attention, therefore, opening yourself up to your process of pain is required. It's your journey, your life, your pain, your healing.  Your pain plus all your previous knowledge, your skills, your learning will create your new you.  

The bereaved find many shoulds and need tos telling them how to grieve during the holiday season. Others can assist you and support you on your journey but your memories and choices are yours to feel when and how you do them. You can listen to others with respect for them and for your "Self." ( your heart self not ego self) 

Not listed as requirements for grievers but just consider the following uncommon (for grief)  but relatable comments listed here. Spoken by the renowned and powerful Jedi Grand Master Yoda of the Star Wars series, his teachings are worth considering:

1. "Do or Do not. There is no try." 

Have a Merry Christmas! In early grief this is hardly possible let alone doable. Allow yourself to BE; allow functioning to be your focus.  As you continue in your journey, you can move your focus.

Me and My Christmas Today