A good rule to remember to avoid lashon hara, is to try to spend less time talking about others and more time focusing on oneself. Ultimately, there's only one person in the world we can improve, ourselves. Rav Yisrael Salanter once said, "If you gave a talk and only one person improved, it was worthwhile even if that one person was yourself." If you point your finger at someone else, you're pointing three fingers at yourself. Before you critique others, see how you can improve yourself.

The Chafetz Chaim teaches that if someone tells you something, you must assume it's confidential unless it's very obvious that it's public information. When you are in possession of scandalous information, it's difficult not to spread it, but that's no excuse. Giving information about others demands the same kind of discretion expected from a lawyer or a medical professional. A primary reason people gossip is to lower the image of the person they are speaking about so they can raise themselves up in the process. People usually like to pick on those of higher social stature. Often the desire to bad mouth and betray secrets is not fed by hostility but rather insecurity and wanting people to think one is important and in the know.

The muscle we exercise the most is our tongue and learning to control it is very difficult. But mastering self-discipline is important not only in the area of loshon hara but in becoming an overall better person. Observing the laws of lashon hara demands good judgment. The same thing taken out of context can be damaging or praiseworthy. A $250 donation to charity by a person of modest means can be impressive. Telling someone else that a multi-millionaire gave $250 can be character assassination. We must think before we speak and analyze the way our words will be understood - before we speak them.

If someone has a grievance against another, trying to take revenge and diminishing the person's reputation is immoral and tactically wrong. The fair thing to do is to speak directly to the person. Don't exaggerate the wrong that's been done. Don't do things that will provoke wrath. If you attempt to smear someone's name, invariably the person will learn about it and the disagreement will get worse. What could have been a small fight becomes a conflagration.

Many of the primary motives of speaking loshon hara are undesirable character traits. The Kotzker Rebbe quotes the Gemara, "It's not the rat who is the thief, but the hole that is the thief." If there wouldn't be a hole for the rat to run away to, it wouldn't be able to steal the cheese. If we refuse to be an audience for those who speak forbidden speech, we can in our own way stem the tide of lashon hara.

Her first line of attack was tefilah. Prayer is a war against ego, desire, and self-reliance. The navi says, "She prayed a lot to Hashem." We learn from this that prayer is a process. She wasn't answered after one passionate plea. She needed to ask again and again because each time a person prays for something he enforces his sense of dependency on Hashem. Each prayer changes a person and opens him towards receiving what he is asking for. However, one must be wary of the trap of thinking one can manipulate Hashem through prayer. Harbeh tefilah means complete reliance on the One Above, while relying on the method of prayer can take a person away from Hashem.

The Navi says, "V'Chana hi midaberet el libah." (Chana spoke to her heart.) Chana's lips were moving and her voice was audible to her own ears, although not loud enough for others to hear. She was the first person to pray in this way and we learn the halacha of praying shemoneh esrei from her. The Maharal explains that voice is the bond between the body and soul. In order to speak, you need thought and feeling. But you also need the five parts of speech: the lips, tongue, teeth, larynx, and palate to verbally express those thoughts in physically generated speech. Praying shemoneh esrei out loud shows a lack of faith. Moving your lips so that no one hears, makes it clear in your mind that tefilah goes above this world. We want to recognize that there is a place beyond our voice and expression of self where prayer is heard. Praying in this manner affirms one's belief in Hashem.

Eli was a direct descendant of Itamar, the son of Aharon. The very day Chana came to the mishkan, he got the appointment to become kohen gadol. He was the first descendant of Itamar to reach this position. Therefore, his vigilance on this day was greater than normal. It was forbidden to be drunk in the mishkan. Drunkenness clouds the brain and causes a person's inhibitions to loosen. A person's mind gives him the ability to connect.

A drunken person in the mishkan was paradoxical. The mishkan was a place to bond with Hashem while drunkenness took one away from that. Eli said to Chana, "Until when will you be drunk? Remove your wine from yourself." He spoke harshly to her because he was so offended by her state. While most of us would have readily jumped to conclusions, he cared enough before making a judgment to inquire of the urim v'tumim (stones on the breastplate). The letters lit up kisheira, a proper person. But Eli's eyes read shikora ( a drunken woman). This is why he judged her so severely.

Chana replied, "No my master, I'm a person of hard spirit and I had no wine or liquor. I'm pouring my heart out before Hashem." This in fact is the definition of tefilah. You have to find your soul, where you really are, and pour it out. She goes on to say, "Don't view me as bli ol, without responsibility, so that my yearning for a child took me to do wrong. I'm fully aware of Hashem and the honor that should be given to the mishkan. This is what prayer is supposed to be about."

This takes us to another question, is prayer meant to be decorous or not? Shemoneh Esrei must be quiet and restrained. But other parts of prayer don't have to be so. In Tehilim we find ten different expressions for tefilah and some of them are quiet dramatic. For example, it says, "Koli el Hashem ezak." (My voice screams out to Hashem.) Prayer should be passionate and an outpouring of the soul.