ACIM Edmonton - Sarah's Reflections
LESSON 26
My attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability.
We are again looking at projection of our attack thoughts which we fear will come back to attack us in return. "What would have effects through you must also have effects on you." (1.4)And because of our fear of attack, we feel very vulnerable and feel that we need to stay very vigilant for our safety, fearing that our own attacks will return to hurt us. "It is this law that will ultimately save you, but you are misusing it now," (1.5) meaning that this same law will work to our benefit when we extend love and, as we do, we will experience the love that we extend. Then we will see only love or calls for love from everyone. We receive what we give. So this can be seen as the law of karma.
I really do believe that I can hurt others with my attacks and thus, I can be hurt, in return, by attack; thus I see it as a real threat. We feel we have to protect myself against criticism; against being ripped off; against viruses; against someone's anger at us; against being fired; losing money; losing a relationship; all of which make us feel vulnerable. We are only invulnerable when we know we can't be attacked and that attack is not real. To be invulnerable is to be completely immune from attack of any kind. It is to recognize our true nature as Christ, innocent, pure and loving, knowing that our reality is Spirit and not the body, that nothing can hurt who we are. It is to know that I am always and in all ways totally protected because I remain as God created me.
When we attack we feel like we are not the perfect Son of God because now we feel vulnerable to attack. If we truly are One with everyone and everything then who is there to bring attack on us? It is only when we see ourselves as bodies that can be hurt physically and psychologically, that we feel vulnerable. And we all do. But as Jesus helps us to understand the thought system of the ego that brings about these feelings of vulnerability, we can see that we have been mistaken about ourselves and have come to believe something that is not true. We have come to believe in our vulnerability and are convinced that we are right about the way we see and thus are right about ourselves. So when we feel sad, hurt, betrayed, upset, we are saying that this world is real, that we are vulnerable beings and everything Jesus tells us about our reality is untrue.
Jesus is reminding us that our whole identity is built on the idea that we have attacked God and with that attack, established our own unique, independent, separate self that now rules its own kingdom. We are now trying to prove that we are right about ourselves by being vulnerable beings that can be hurt, suffer and die. If that is the case then God must be wrong about us. Our seeming defeat of God has led us to be in constant fear that now others will do to us what we believe we have done in taking our separate identity at God's expense. But the attack that we fear is only our own projection of our attack thoughts that are in our own minds. We think if we see the attack outside then it is not in us. But Jesus tells us projection makes perception. I perceive outside what I first made real in my own mind. So any fear, worry, upset that I am experiencing starts with my own attack thoughts in my mind. I attack because I want to get rid of my guilt but Jesus says that that is precisely how we keep it.
"If you fear attack, you must believe that you are not invulnerable." (2.2) And we do fear attack and do feel vulnerable. So we defend ourselves physically and psychologically believing that we are weak and vulnerable in the world. Yet, when we accept that the attack thoughts, whether inside or outside, are the cause of our vulnerability, then we can start the genuine process of healing. As we do, we increasingly make space for the love that we are. "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists." (T. In. 1.2-3)Herein lies our own peace.
What Jesus is teaching us is that it all starts with us. Our own minds are the cause of everything we see. Thus it is our own attack thoughts that bounce back at us. It is our own guilt that we project out and find others to blame because the guilt is too much for us to take total responsibility for. We have to find places to put it. We find convenient receptacles for our anger and we justify putting it there. If we didn't do that then we would see all events as neutral. It is our meaning that we give these events and situations in our lives which brings the experience of fear, guilt, anger, depression, worry, foreboding, imposition etc.
"Attack thoughts and invulnerability cannot be accepted together. They contradict each other." (2.4-5) So just like love and fear that are mutually exclusive, so is attack and invulnerability. It is either one or the other that we are experiencing. When I am with my attack thoughts I cannot know myself as God created me. So if I choose not to know the love that I am, then I will hold thoughts of anger, fear, unworthiness, grievances, judgments, concerns, neediness, specialness and ultimately self interest. It is my way of saying God is wrong about me. I am instead, what I think I am and what I believe others have done to me.
Lesson 24 said "I do not know my own best interests" because if we did we would not project attack thoughts because it is not in our self interest to do so. The reason is that we always attack ourselves first and when we see that this is the case then clearly it would be insane to attack. But we believe that ideas do leave their source and thus we believe that we can attack with no effect on us. But that is not true.
Attack thoughts make us feel weak and vulnerable. "If attack thoughts must entail the belief that you are vulnerable, their effect is to weaken you in your own eyes. Thus they have attacked your perception of yourself. And because you believe in them, you can no longer believe in yourself." (3.2-4)Thus attack thoughts bring on more guilt and fear. They make us feel very vulnerable. That is the judgment that we put on ourselves. The truth is we ARE innocent. We are eternal beings of love and light. We have all of God's attributes. Do I believe this about myself? No I don't. Why not? Because I have made a self image that I have come to believe is who I am. It is a concept of myself that is made to cover over the guilt in my mind. This cover looks like the "face of innocence." But underneath is the raging victim that is the attacker. But none of it is the truth. We will only be convinced that what we believe about ourselves is not true when we become willing to look at the thoughts that we are holding about ourselves that are not the truth. When we are willing to take responsibility for them and give them over to the Holy Spirit to reinterpret for us, we begin the healing process. It takes a great deal of courage and honesty to look at our egos because the ego tells us not to look but to keep invested in the world. That is why Jesus shows us how the ego set all of this up as a trick to make us think that we are what we are not. But now our motivation is to do the healing work on behalf of our own peace and happiness.
So what happens when we learn to look honestly at all of our attack thoughts and let them go as they come up? We learn that we are responsible for what we see. What is important is our perception or interpretation of what we see. It is the meaning that we give it. It is not about behavior. When we bring our projections back to the mind and take responsibility for them, then we recognize that the thoughts that we hold are blocking the love that we are. And thus when we bring these thoughts to the Holy Spirit, space is made for the truth that is always there behind our attack thoughts so that this truth can shine forth. We need to be very honest with ourselves in this process. It takes courage and willingness to look at our attack thoughts whether they show up as depression, worry, anger, a sense of imposition, fear, foreboding, or preoccupation. (6.2) "Any problem as yet unsettled that tends to recur in your thoughts during the day is a suitable subject." (W.PI.26.6.3)
As I was focusing on this commentary, Don walked in three times to ask me something. I immediately felt this sense of imposition and impatience that this lesson talks about. I had an opportunity right then to take a moment to realize that Jesus would not see an interruption as an imposition. It is my thought about this situation that hurts me. It is not what anyone else is doing. It is what I am doing to myself as a result of my interpretation of his behavior. It is the meaning that I am giving to this behavior. It all starts in our own minds.
What we generally do when we feel vulnerable and fearful, is that we build defenses. We try to find ways to protect ourselves. But the lesson says that there really are no behavioral solutions to our feelings of vulnerability. The answer is to look at our own attack thoughts and be willing to give them up. We have to go through our dark thoughts to the light. We must be vigilant in looking at these thoughts. It is not helpful to do a spiritual bypass by denying responsibility for our attacks if we want to have peace. It is not helpful to say that our fear is all illusion while we still feel fearful and it all seems very real to us.
In Mathew 7:12 Jesus says "therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do you even so to them." Again, it is the golden rule. It is the law of karma. I need to understand that if I feel wounded, you are not the cause. I am the cause. I need not blame myself for that though. I only need to take responsibility for it and look at it calmly. Only I can do anything to remember the love that I am. That is the good news. We are not stuck in this world. We can be freed by looking at our attack thoughts and releasing them through forgiveness. Don't you love that!!? Yes, it is an empowering thought. But we resist it because we are still afraid of the love that we are. Our fear is that God will annihilate us for what the ego says we have done. But we will not be hurled into Reality. This is a process of undoing the image of ourselves that we hold that we are, flawed, unworthy, guilty and unlovable. Jesus reminds us of how unhappy we have made ourselves and "how beautiful it is to walk, clean and redeemed and happy, through a world in bitter need of the redemption that your innocence bestows upon it. What can you value more than this? For here is your salvation and your freedom. And it must be complete if you would recognize it." (T.23.Intro. 6)
"Only love is strong because it is undivided. The strong do not attack because they see no need to do so. Before the idea of attack can enter your mind, you must have perceived yourself as weak. Because you attacked yourself and believed that the attack was effective, you behold yourself as weakened. No longer perceiving yourself and your brothers as equal, and regarding yourself as weaker, you attempt to "equalize" the situation you made. You use attack to do so because you believe that attack was successful in weakening you." (T12.V.1-3)
In the practice period we are asked to look at a situation that is a concern to us-something that has been on our minds. We are asked to look at what we are afraid might happen in this situation. It is our thoughts about the situation that make us feel vulnerable. Isn't that what happens when you worry about something? You put yourself into a state of deep concern, fear and thus vulnerability. When I obsess about what might happen in a situation, I scare myself. I am actually telling myself that I am vulnerable over and over again. I do so each time I get concerned about whether the money will come in for the mortgage; or whether my son will arrive safely when traveling on icy roads; or what will happen as a result of my exposure to the flu that is going around; or whether I will lose all my investments in the market meltdown. It is all self attack isn't it? It is all about fear of what will happen.
You might find that writing your responses to some of these lessons is helpful as I often do. When you see all of your attack thoughts, you can see why you feel scared and vulnerable. We may wonder why in the world we are doing this to ourselves. Why are we attacking ourselves? Yet, after we have gone through a seemingly exhausting list he says that "you will probably find some of them (anticipated outcomes for each situation), especially those that occur to you toward the end, less acceptable to you. Try, however, to treat them all alike to whatever extent you can." (8.3-4) This is because as we go deeper into our fear thoughts, we will get to those that seem quite ugly where our self hatred, our unworthiness, the rage in us becomes more apparent to us. It is what is hiding, that we push away from ourselves that is behind our more superficial thoughts. "You will increasingly recognize that a slight twinge of annoyance is nothing but a veil drawn over intense fury." (W.21.2.5)
So to do this practice, we are asked to take two minutes, six times today or less if we get uncomfortable with it, then to repeat the idea, close our eyes and pick a situation that is of concern or any problem that is unsettled that recurs in our thoughts. First name the situation:
"I am concerned about _____." Then go over every possible outcome which has caused you concern. For each one say, "I am afraid _____ will happen," and then tell yourself, "That thought is an attack upon myself." "If you are doing the exercises properly you should have some five or six distressing possibilities available for each situation you use and quite possibly more. It is much more helpful to cover a few situations thoroughly than to touch on a large number."
Love and blessings, Sarah
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Quotes in this article are from Foundation for Inner Peace edition; To locate the same quotes in the 'Original Edition', use this link: http://www.jcim.net/acim_us/Acim.php
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