My work with couples reflects curiosity about their interaction/communication style, its impact and meaning in the relationship. There are three prominent communication approaches I have found to be particularly helpful with couples that I'd like to share with you in the event they might be beneficial to your practice. I often encourage clients to reflect on these frameworks and complete "homework," thus garnering new experiences with one another and strengthening their relationships. What follows is a brief summary of these key aspects, a mere sampling of the theories that I hope may provoke your further exploration into these themes.
David Richo has written extensively on topics related to personal growth and relationships. In his book, How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Relationships,1 Richo articulates five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:
1. Attention to the present moment: observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
2. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
3. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
4. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
5. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.
John Gottman is a renown researcher and professor emeritus who has studied 10,000 couples in an effort to synthesize key relationship dynamics. Gottman identified four particular interactions research shows to be indicative of a relationship not surviving. He labeled these behaviors The Four Horsemen which include:
1. Stonewalling
2. Defensiveness
3. Criticism
4. Contempt
These qualities are detailed in the Four Horseman chapter of his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,2 whereby Gottman helps couples identify patterns that have had negative impacts on the relationship.
And finally, Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), offers A.R.E.,3 a tool to better understand and assess emotional responsiveness in couples. A.R.E. is comprised of the following three elements:
Accessibility - Being emotionally open and available to your partner. Attention to both emotional and depth of connection.
Responsiveness - Ability to respond with connection, comfort, reassurance and closeness and willingness to work through and resolve conflicts.
Engagement - Comfortable being close and trusting, ability to confide, assured of the connection and sincere care and attention.
1. Richo, David. How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Relationships. Boston:
Shambhala Publishers, 2002.
2. Gottman, John M. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishing, 2000.
3. Johnson, Sue. Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Hachette Book Group, 2008.
