"March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."
Kahlil Gibran
My New Me
Your loss: you can wish it hadn't happen. But, in the real world, life is not based on wishes; that is not how life works.
You can continue to think about the unreality of the situation: the circumstances and you evaluate what
you could or couldn't have done or what
others could or couldn't have done or if circumstances had changed... and these thoughts continue over and over.
Then you ask
why. Why did it happen? Why did it happen now? Why did this happen to her/him? Why
didn't someone do something? Why
did someone do something? Why was I not there?
There are all those unanswerable questions that no one can respond to with an adequate answer to alleviate your pain.
Then the fog continues for some time which allows you to move through the disbelief. But, eventually... eventually, that lifts and then, what are you left with?
You are left with a reality that you can hardly imagine possible. Inconceivable pain. Unimaginable pain takes residence within. And like an unwanted or totally unsavory tenant, you have no idea what to do with it... or how to rid your environment of it.
Thus begins the grief process...
Like an unwanted tenant, you might try confronting to determine whether that will be an appropriate action for you. Your way of confronting may be feeling the extremes of your emotions. You may be totally non-reactive, numb or confuse yourself by moving back and forth between a potpourri of feelings.
Briefly, in traumatic situations your body may
want to fight back but your brain circuits are rewired. You don't have the same chemicals assisting you to take action and enlist other parts of the brain so you feel trapped, then helpless, then fear, anxiety and/or panic sets in.
It is so important when you have suffered a trauma (abuse, loss, etc) to move yourself (body, mind and spirit) into action. Taking action makes you feel protected, safe and stronger.
As a griever (or landlord) you might seek help from others at this point. And you very likely will receive a variety of responses. Some, fearful of death, may not respond in the way that you would expect or hope or want. Others may offer advice to remove the tenant in a way that you think impossible. (the platitudes heard)
Other supporters may assist you for a short while, giving you little or unwelcomed advice but then leave because they are unfamiliar with your suffering or have never experienced your "tenant issue" and cannot understand your ongoing pain.
Here, grievers reach a point of frustration that things are not moving the way they want or they just have no sense that they have any other direction to follow.
With an unacceptable tenant, some may look to the court system to see if a law might alleviate their problem. Likewise, grievers might look to therapy or support groups as a way of inviting others who are more familiar with their problem and trust in the possibility of outside help.
Often, this is where the pathway moves to and in the individual. This is where you might hear comments like, "I don't know how I did it." Or others might ask a bereaved person, "how did you do it?" And an often heard comment is, "putting one foot in front of the other."
Continuing Your Pathway...
This statement is true when stated because each human being is an individual personality with differences in their egos; abilities, capabilities, choices, likes/dislikes, etc. It is not necessarily that each has their own "way of grieving" that is individual but it is more their path that is individualized.
Every griever has their own pathway and although some might have tools at hand, they may not use them. This is because after a traumatic situation such as loss, the brain reacts differently. People take different paths so that "one foot in front of the other" may look a little different comparatively depending upon what happened and is happening inside their brain.
Therefore, grievers have to NOTICE what is happening inside of themself to be able to make any changes because the brain does not change without understanding the internal working.
Discovery might be slow but by using your own flash light, you will open you to choices, noticing and discovery of the new you which will determine your path. Your individual light, your flashlight will help you identify other techniques like journaling, breathing techniques, yoga, nature, etc that will help you on your path.
Yes, everyone "grieves differently" but that is an over-used and under thought-out statement.
Marching on, not fearing the sharp stones on life's path opens you to the stepping stones of hope and faith necessary to proceed on your path.
Irish Proverb: However long the road, there comes a turning...
