I remember November 2007 very well, the year we had to say goodbye to JT. I was in a psychic development group, and the facilitator challenged us to keep a gratitude journal for the entire month.
As she told us the instructions on how to do this, I felt the anger well up inside of me. How in the F^&# was I supposed to be grateful for
anything when I had to bury my son eight months prior?
I was determined to do whatever I had to, though, to talk to my son again, so I agreed to do this stupid exercise. I began this mediumship training only a month prior, and at this point still had to rely on others for messages from him. Oh, what I would give to hear my precious JT again.
I began with the small things..."I'm grateful for my husband" was an entry. My children. My car. My friends. My home. Amazingly, I was able to find something for which I was grateful every day! I surprised myself at my depth of introspection. I surprised myself even more when I felt the anger melt away, and I began to smile more. But wait! I wasn't supposed to be smiling. I had just buried my child. How could I be smiling? Guilt replaced joy, and an inner struggle began. Wasn't I disrespecting my son by moving toward being happy again? How could I do this?
One night, I heard a whisper in my ear, "But I
want you to be happy again, Mom."
At first, I passed it off as my imagination. After all, I was hearing voices in my head from others' loved ones by this time, but who was this? It couldn't be my son. "Mom, it's me! JT. Listen to me. You have to stop this guilt. We have so much to do together and you need to be able to hear me clearly. Forgive yourself!"
What? Forgive myself? How in the world do I do that? I was supposed to protect you, keep you safe, nurture you until you were old enough to fly on your own. I failed. And now, I am feeling joy when my life should be filled with nothing but pain. I don't deserve joy.
Again I heard, "Forgive yourself!" Over and over again, I heard these words. Okay, okay! I will try.
For the sake of my son and my desire to reconnect with him, I began the arduous journey of self-forgiveness. It did not happen overnight, but I did finally forgive myself, not only for JT's passing, but for feeling joyful again. My first book,
A Bridge to Healing: J.T.'s Story - A Mother's Grief Journey and Return to Hope, is the result of this work. I would not have been able to write it if I hadn't listened to that voice in my head, "Forgive yourself!"
Holding myself in that anger and guilt kept me from having the clear connection with my son.
What is your un-forgiveness holding from you?
Joyfulness? Happiness? Freedom? Connectedness?
Don't let it stop you anymore. Forgiving yourself for whatever you feel you have done or not done will give you all of these things. You deserve happiness, joyfulness, abundance, connectedness, and more. It does not matter what you think you did, it is time to take one step toward forgiveness.
Here are some resources I found to help. Choose what feels right for you.
http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/pdf/Forgiving_oneself.pdf
http://www.louisehay.com/exercise-revenge-and-forgivness/
http://www.celestialhealing.net/emotionalheal2.htm
http://www.gateways-to-inner-peace.com/how-to-forgive.html
If I can help in any way, please
contact me!
Have a blessed, forgiving November!